I have some depressing discoveries from last night. I am actually getting fat. I don't have a little tummy roll like I am out of shape. I kinda had that already. This is the whole stomach. I hangs over my underware line laughing at me. Mocking me. I hate this part. Where I don't look pregnant, I just look fat. That is the most depressing thing for someone who has never weighed more than 117 in her life. I was 115 at the beginning of this. I can guarantee that I am more than that now.
My ribcage, I knew, was expanding. I could feel the pain of it. I have discovered that I have also gained an inch or two on either side of me. I am starting to spread out all over. Not good. I wanted all of it to go to the front. Sure I am gaining in the front too, but with the rest, I just feel fat instead of pregnant. Am I ever going to look good again? That is the scariest thing for me. I don't want to stay fat. I want to be trim and fit and pretty for my husband. I congratulate those who are heavier normally on being accepting of themselves and liking themselves. I have never been heavy, so I don't think I could like myself. I really didn't much like myself the way I was before. I better stop this thought before I offend someone. I am not trying to. I am praising them.
So, other than some cramping and gas, I feel ok this morning. I would feel better if the stupid kitten had let me sleep. I have discovered, though, that the baby really likes orange juice. I don't seem to want to throw it back up. Yay. Now if only I could find some food that will do the same. I had some big cravings last night. Ended up eating a chef salad and torilla chips with spinach dip. Yum yum. I was a pig yesterday. I ate a whole bag of chips in an hour. Thats right a whole bag. Not one of the individual size bags. I whole bag, for lunch. Then was hungry for some soup. The soup didn't set too well, but soon after, I was hungry again. I didn't, however, eat anymore until dinner. By the time we had dinner, I was sick from not eating. When I don't eat, I start heaving. I heave until close to passing out. The I get a small break and back to the heaving. All because my tummy is empty.
I absolutely hate the medical facilities that are taking care of me, or should I say the lack of care. However, since all my medical is free, including my prescriptions, I should be grateful, right? I still think that they should take care of me better. I think the next time I am up at the hopsital I am going to fill their complaint box. I discovered at least 5 complaints I have, but I am sure I could come up with more.
Oh well, time for some relaxation before finishing up with my laundry and catching up on housework I couldn't do because I went to work with MIchael yesterday.
Posted by Heidi at March 16, 2004 07:42 AM